Writing full-fledged reviews is fast becoming a thing of the past what with my current work schedule. So am going the Leonard Maltin route in keeping my thoughts on them bite-sized. And given the fact that I still average about 5 movies a week, I can ensure my thoughts on them have a fighting chance of keeping up with my prodigious viewing output.
2 flicks revisited recently:
CRIMSON TIDE
Mutiny breaks out on a US nuclear submarine when a partial message triggers an explosive difference of opinion (on whether to launch their torpedoes at Russian shores) between it's old school (think Reagan era Republican) Commander, the fearsome Capt Frank Ramsey (the always intimidating Gene Hackman) and his new school (Clinton type Democrat) XO, Lt. Com Ron Hunter (the always dependable Denzel Washington, doing earnest the way only he can). Tony Scott (efficient but less gifted than elder brother Ridley) ratchets the suspense level up to sweaty palmed levels, the sub's claustrophobic confines greatly aiding the onboard collisions of views, opinions, Management Styles and egos. It's all boosted by a stellar cast that includes pre-Soprano James Gandolfini and pre-Aragorn Viggo Mortensen.
TROY
When Trojan prince Paris (Orlando Bloom) shags and carts off Spartan Queen Helen (Dianne Krueger) to Troy, enraged husband Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson) marches to Troy along with power-crazed brother Agamemmnon (Brian Cox). The scene is set for an epic battle, if Agamemnon can only control his most lethal of weapons, warrior prince Achilles (Brad Pitt) and his fighting fit Myrmidons. King Odysseus (Sean Bean) and Prince Hector (Eric Bana) are the voices of reason on the Greek and Trojan side respectively.
Troy, which I re-visit every so often, cause I'm such a sucker for medieval sword and sandal epics, is the Trojan War re-imagined as WWF Smackdown with Killing Machine Achilles, Ax-Wielding Giant Ajax on the Greek side with Noble Hector and Pretty Much Fucking Useless Paris on the Trojan side. When armies of hundreds of thousands actually stand still or pause in mid-fight to play spectators to it's Superstar Warriors (Achilles Vs. Boagrius!Hector Vs. Ajax! Paris Vs. Menelaus!Hector Vs. Patroclus!), with some of the said warriors actually being played by Professional Bruisers like Nathan Jones and Tyler Mane, you keep waiting for the emergence of a referee to do the actual pre-fight announcement (in the blue corner...). And like the best expensive Pay-Per-View bouts, every mano-e-mano hack and slash fest is a build-up to the main event: Achilles taking on Hector after the latter slays the former's cousin Patroclus (Garrett Hedlund). And it is worth the wait, an exquisitely choreographed , sword and shield clanging dust up that lends the sole point of gravitas in this otherwise overblown production. Director Wolfgang Petersen stages the epic battles in style but lets the pace get all sluggish in between. Acting is uniformly hammy throughout with the talented Cox forced to indulge in histrionics bordering on the hilarious. Jettisoning all Gods from the source material, and shoehorning the enormously popular Trojan Horse in when the Iliad ended after Hector's death, Troy makes a reactionary case against the God Believers, what with the dumb as a post Trojan priests giving military advice based on omens and "bird signs" to a dumb-ass Trojan King Priam (redeemed only by a magnetic Peter O'Toole in the role) who yokes the fate of his country and people to his blind belief in Apollo. It's probably the only original spark amidst the proliferation of howlingly bad dialogue, an atrocious performance by Krueger as Helen( back to acting class!) , a perennially weepy Saffron Burrows as Hector's wife Andromache and a lame-ass Orlando Bloom who plays Paris like a petulant (and horny) schoolboy and his transformation towards the end into a Legolas-like wizard with the bow and arrow strains one's already close-to-snapping credulity. Troy is best viewed with one finger poised over the scan button on the DVD remote; see the battles, skip over the war talk, savour the Hector/Achilles battle (twice, if you can), linger on Priam's plea to Achilles to release the body of his son (if only to see a frail O'Toole out-class a super-toned Brad Pitt in displaying serious Acting Chops) and if you must see any part of the cringe-inducing Paris/Helen romance, do so at the start, where they're both naked and do their best work.
