There are also films I return to time and time again, like re-visiting an old friend, that now, seen through older eyes, show the cracks of time, the creaks of technology now obsolete, which nevertheless suck me in on sheer charm and narrative power.
Lastly there are the "Big Dumb Actioners" of the 80's and '90s that continue to enthrall me with the sheer momentum of their pace, never mind the fact that I've seen it so many times, I could tell you that the 4th person in a 30 second, 10 man gunfight has a mole in the upper left corner of his mouth.
So, sit back and relax as I raid my DVD collection to give you a guided tour of my guilty viewing pleasures. Fans of "Memento", Merchant Ivory Flicks and Iranian Cinema need read no further:
ROAD HOUSE
How much do I love this B flick? Failing to get a copy here, I made my Immortal Beloved scour DVD stores on her trip to the US to locate one, which, bless her heart, she did and it now occupies a special place in my collection.
Any movie that starts with pair of long legs attached to a lithe body squeezed into a dress 2 sizes smaller gets my vote from the get go. Said body walks into a night club. Inside said nightclub is Dalton(Patrick Swayze), Man with No First Name, the best bouncer in the business keeping an eye on things.
Dalton is approached by Frank Tilghman(Kevin Tighe), to clean up a bar he's just purchased in Jasper, Missouri called the Double Deuce. "Used to be a sweet deal, now it's the sort of place where you sweep up the eye balls at closing time", Frank says and that's just one of many delicious one-line zingers that pepper the script. Dalton accepts and heads down to Jasper.
His first visit to the Double-Deuce bar is a whopper of a mood-setting piece. I know it's sacriligeous to even consider making a comparison to Coppola's "Godfather" but consider this: That epic masterpiece had a loooong opening wedding scene that among other things set the mood and tone for the rest of the film. At the end of the scene you KNEW 2 things beyond the shadow of any doubt: This was a traditional Italian American family who nevertheless were involved in some dark endeavours. Dalton's initial encounter with the red and rough necked employees and patrons of the Double-Deuce achieves a similar effect. At the end of the scene you KNOW beyond the shadow of any doubt that: Dalton has his work cut out for him; a bouncer recklessly flings an inebriated patron across the room, the performing live band sits behind a caged fence for a reason as audience participation is often in the form of flung bottles, one yahoo offers to let another fondle his girlfriends tits for 20 bucks, a waitress deals drugs on the side and the barman skims from the till. It's a tinder box of violence where "power drinkers, 40 year old adolescents and keepers of Modern Chemistry" come as much to punch each others lights out as to down a pint.
Dalton quickly starts putting things in order and this brings him on a direct collision course with resident Bad Guy and Town Big Shot Brad Wesley(Ben Gazarra), a situation not helped by the fact that our laconic hero meets, dates and beds the town's hot,blonde doctor and the object of Wesley's infatuation (Kelly Lynch) in record time.
In structure,plot and pacing, Road House is a Western in modern clothes. Instead of a cattle stampede, you have a Monster Truck smashing through an auto-dealesrship in one of the movie's many delightfully over the top action scenes. In place of shoot outs, there are niftily choreographed martial arts fight scenes that will have the fan boy in you whooping with delight as Dalton beats the living tar out of Wesley's hired goons. The Western connection is compounded when you realise one of the actors is called Red West and the director's first name is Rowdy!
And I haven't even mentioned Sam Elliot's Wade Garrett, the tough, grizzled veteran of the Bouncing industry. He's Master to Dalton's Grasshopper. Elliott has that tough, leathery,lived in face which, complemented by a sandpaper voice, exudes a menacing,lethal presence that no amount of gym-honed pretty boys can ever hope to match and I for one would have enjoyed a climactic showdown that had both Dalton and Garrett double-team to take on Wesley and his crime cadre. But alas, his character meets a tragic end, a plot point that serves as a springboard for a Dalton Rampage of Rage that sees him single-handedly taking on and wiping out the bad guys in their lair.
Road House is so blissfully unaware of its blatant sexism, that it's a guilty pleasure: Wesley's dumb-blonde girlfriend openly propositions Dalton with the charming line"What say you and I go back to my place and fuck?" , a remark that earns her a black eye from Wesley. She later proceeds to do a strip dance right in the centre of the bar to the strains of "Hoochie Coochie Man". Wade Garrett looks at Dalton's girlfriend and remarks," That girl's got way too much brains to have an ass like that".
And the fight scenes have an air of lethal authenticity to them. They're not overly choreographed wire-enhanced exercises in balletic grace. They're tough, intense affairs, punches and roundhouse kicks delivered to knuckle crunching, wince-inducing effects.
This is one Road House I don't mind stopping over every once in awhile for my predictable meat and fries.
HIGHLANDER
Road House had a line that went something like this:
Upon seeing the legendary Dalton, one smart-ass remarks, "You know, they told me you had balls big enough to come in a dump truck but you don't look like much to me"
To which our hero deadpans, "Opinions vary".
That line aptly sums up the extreme reactions people often have about Highlander, Guilty Pleasure No.2.
Director Russell Mulcahy once commented, "People either see this 6 times or never"
I've seen this sword clanging epic many many times multiplied by 6 but my Immortal Beloved simply cannot see what the fuss is all about.
Seen today, Highlander's effects are hopelessly out-dated(at one point you can actually see Christopher Lambert suspended by wires as he supposedly levitates!), it's numerous sword battles slow and clunky and it's been hopelessly rubbished by 3 inferior sequels and a mediocre TV series.
But it's bold and cheeky concept and director Mulcahy's time altering-narrative still packs a punch. If ever a movie dazzled and continues to do so on sheer story telling verve, it's this one.
How many action flicks can boast of the following opener: A wrestling match that cuts to a spectator walking out to the parking lot, to engage in a sword-fighting duel, at the end of which he decapitates his opponent, experiences an energy-absorbing sensation whereby he blows out the lights and half the cars in the lot and then runs out of the building as the camera pans upwards and onto.......medieval Scotland where aforementioned sword-fighter is now a kilt-wearing Highland warrior!!!!
Sword fighter is Connor McLeod(of the clan McLeod) who is mortally wounded by the Kurgan(Clancy Brown), a vicious warrior during battle with a rival clan. Expected to die, he recovers which is a definite no-no in medieval times when any miraculous recovery is automatically attributed to a pact with the devil. Stoned, beaten and hounded out of his village, Connor meets Ramirez( a very Scottish Sean Connery naturally playing a...... Spaniard) who tells him he's an Immortal, that he can only be killed by decapitation and that all Immortals must fight until ONLY ONE REMAINS TO CLAIM THE PRIZE. Ramirez is killed by the Kurgan who then proceeds to hunt for Connor through the centuries until the final showdown in present day New York.......
Russel Mulcahy's imaginative cross-cutting between past and present, stylish camera moves, a sizzling soundtrack by Queen and one of the most menacing and gleefully over-the-top villains ever to grace the screen(Clancy Brown, you rock!) all make Highlander a delicious viewing experience. Forget the crappy sequels, as the movie's Immortal tagline claims:
"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE"
DIE HARD 2
It can well be asked why, in the hugely successful Die Hard Franchise, do I commonly reach for the much maligned 2nd part rather than the commonly acknowledged superior original and it's equally well-received 3rd part, whenever I need a quick Action fix in my viewing diet?
Very simply because, by doing away with character arc and needless exposition,piling on relentless action and elevating Bruce Willis' John McLane character from its' "Underdog Caught In Wrong Place At A Wrong Time" to "Rambo On A Mission" persona, director Renny Harlin successfully crafts one hell of a B-Movie on an A list budget.
McLane is in Dulles International airport awaiting the arrival of his wife (Bonnie Bedelia) on Christmas Eve, it's snowing to near-zero visibility levels, and his car's(borrowed from mom-in-law) just been towed away. To add to his woes, a team of ex-Special Forces grunts headed by the vicious Colonel Stuart takes over the Airport's control systems including its plane landing capabilities, threatening to crash one if the Authorities attempt to land any. All runways are to be kept clear for 1 plane, carrying Noriega like General Esperanza, a Latin American Dictator. With planes circling overhead unable to land and rapidly running out of fuel and one of them being the one carrying McClane's beloved missus,he springs into action......
McLane may mouth lines like "How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice" but you know without a shadow of a doubt that he's relishing the opportunity to take on the Rogue soldiers and kicking their Military butts. While McClane was hurt and vulnerable in the original, often doubting his abilities to take on 12 armed European baddies in a high-rise, here he's Super Cop on a mission and while Director Harlin sticks to the original's premise of having him get increasingly beat up and bloodied as the movie puts him through escalating action set-pieces, one gets the feelings that all those cuts and bruises are just wearing him down temporarily while he catches his breath before strapping on his armour to do more battle.
Die Hard 2 is hard-core action in glorious R-Rated tradition; its dialogue is laced with enough profanity to do Scorcese proud, it's fight scenes are brutal(see McClane pick up ice pick, see McClane ram pick into baddies's eyeball) and one major action set-piece that sees the chief baddie crashing a plane just to show he means business is something you'd be hard-pressed to find in today's market of neutered PG-13 actioners. How many action movies actually introduce their chief villain doing martial arts moves...in the nude????
Give in to its over-the-top action and hyper-tensed narrative, and at the end of its explosive fueled climax(that takes place on the wing of a moving 747!), you may well feel like echoing McClane's (in)famous catchphrase:
Yipeeekaiyaaaay Motherfucker!!
OTHER GUILTY PLEASURES
COBRA
Stallone goes Dirty Harry(Eastwood side-kick Reni Santoni and Psycho baddie Andy Robinson from that movie are here as well, re-inforcing this flicks' antecedents) and takes on knife and axe-wielding psychos.
Plus Points: Superb action sequences and with a running time of under 90 minutes,it's crammed full of them.
Major Plus Points: Stallone's catch phrase: "You're a disease,and I'm the cure".
Minus Points: Brigitte Nielsen
Special Mention: Villain Brian Thompson. When he salivates while uttering the line "I want your eyes pig!" , it's easy to believe that if he said that standing in front of you in real life, you'd crap your pants in 5 seconds flat!
COMMANDO
Baddies kidnap Arnold Schwarzenegger's daughter(future hottie Alyssa Milano) and hold her hostage. The deal:Arnie assassinates the current leader of a Latin American country to enable a coup by Chief Baddie Dan Hedaya and in return they won't mail his daughter back to him in separate pieces.
In one corner: Baddie on an island filled with his own private army and his psychotic right hand man Vernon Wells.
In the other corner: An armed to the teeth Governator.
Poor baddie.... he never stood a chance......
Plus Points: A relentless pace that never let up, balls-to-the walls-action capped with zinging Arnie one-liners ("Remember when I told you I'd kill you last? I lied").
Minus points: Rae Dawn Chongs' annoying squeals for the 1st hour. Shut up bitch!
Special Mention: Vernon Wells as psycho right hand man to Baddie. Any actor who can convince you that in spite of being chunky and pot-bellied he can still give a ripped Arnie a bloody fight gets my vote!
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